Hey iAm back in OZ land. again. Sigh. Just talked to my mom on the phone…my sisTA (^0^) got into UNi! Thank GOD! She is so lucky! Im really happy. N it’s the course and Uni she wanted to go… As I chat with her… suddenly I remembered what happened yesterday…
Like I told Fu, my val wasn't special.. nothing much. In fact, time passed so quickkly... See, woke up at 8am today to go to Angels' sch to see her perform at the "valentine’s talent show" She was supposed to go on the Piano and Fashion Show. SO 3 of us, n my popo went to the Kindergarten to support her becos both my parents are stuck at work.. =( sad for her ya.. well anyway. The kids… *shakes head* are soooo naughty! Only a few did well.. the others.. ckckck.. hauhaua.. angel wasn’t good either. She played only one hand on the piano. But who cares. She is my beloved sister! LOL. Then did some last min errands and left to the airport at 130pm, reached at 245pm, left at 5pm, reached sg at 745, called some friends, leave again at 845pm and then stayed for 7 hours on plane and the nx thing it’s the 15th Feb, 7am. So there u go… sigh... no choice... wanted to spend a really lovely dinner in sg with dah.. but things doesn’t go as expected.. hav things to do back here...
Anyway… at indo airport..I was sobbing badly. becos.. partly I know I will miss them badly and that I must admit I didn’t make full use of my time with my family this last time… wanted to make a difference, but it seemed so hard… I think my mom is very pitiful. As much as I love her, I cannot help but ding jui when she go to an extent that is too "unnecessary". Sigh. I really regret… but it was too late then. I was already leaving… * sorry ma >_< * When everything is settled and I was ready to go, I turned and looked across at my family, and suddenly, something familiar hit me hard in my heart. N it hurt… it’s the feeling I always had when I was younger. When I had to leave my parents, my family, before I go to Singapore… was ard 10 maybe? Well few years after I get used to it and stopped crying. Then I remembered, my grandma reminded me to tell my dad to come to my graduation ceremony this Dec, becos he MIGHT not wanna do it, cos my mom n him apparently are having problems.. so.. As I told my dad, "Pa, try to settle the visa asap ya.. I really want u to… (sob).. come.." tears flowed and my voice shaked… cannot take it anymore.. so the unbearable feeling of mine to leave was too overwhelming that I had to cry in front of them. There u go. the feeling was back. Me at 21, cried in public. Like a small kid. As if I got bullied, as if I got scolded. But I didn’t care. for a moment I didn’t wanna go back… Im so afraid once I leave, something bad will happen.. when I leave, I will not be going for dinners together again; cos everyday I was with them. We will eat out and eat funny funny food in Indo… like.. the fried rice which Mas Toha (this street seller) cooked. It is the best fried rice ive ever eaten my whole life. Will not play PS2 together again with Dad; fatal frame and car racing… Will not hear the genuine hysterical laughter my Dad gives and see the Bo Gam Guan smile my Mom will make each time Angel plays PS2 with dad..or when any of us make a stupid or funny remarks… As these thoughts popped up in my mind, I jst cried silently. Guess I looked damn ugly so my dad had to say “hush, udah udah (which means hao le hao le)” but that doesn’t make me feel better. I cried more. But even though I thought it could be of my guilty conscience and that I mist them; honestly, I DON’T don’t know why. I just cried, there wasn’t anything in my mind then. My tears just flowed… *why?* so childish, hate it. Once my brother mentioned Ive changed. To be so much more emotional. Which wasn’t the me before. He said it was August that made me so. *maybe* could be my mom too. So its twice the effect. which I see is a bad change in me.. sigh. What am I gonna do… it’s a character. Even though I call it off with Aug this day, I will be emotional the following month. Or year. It stays with me, isn’t it. I know it’s a bad character of mine.. but I really don’t know how to change that. Its currently bringing lotsa unpleasant feelings, n Im often disturbed… *sigh* I need to go talk to psychologist I think. OMG! How can I actually think that way?! oMG-osh =/
shAnz
1:40 AM
